Nowhere Near Transylvania
by SwingTree85
Summary: Late one night, Lavi sneaks into Allen's bedroom in order to fulfill the requirements of becoming a full-fledged vampire.  Allen is not impressed.  Things go about as well as you'd expect.  AU Crack.  Laven.


Hmm. It seems I've gone insane.

I...don't really know what this is. But it was fun, so there you go.

Disclaimer: I do not own D Gray-man

EDIT: So, a kind reviewer pointed out that I accidentally referred to Lavi as "Trevor" in one line of dialogue. It has since been fixed, but I still can't figure out why the hell I typed "Trevor" in the first place. That's not even close to "Lavi." Like, at all. Oh well, I blame school for frying my brain

* * *

It was 2:38 one windy Wednesday when Allen Walker was startled awake by a resounding crash. He bolted upright and whipped his head to the left, toward his bedroom window. The glass was in a jagged pile on the floor, the cool night air wafting through the now empty pane. Squinting his eyes, he could just barely make out the vague shape of someone lurking in the corner of the room.

"Um," he said.

"Holy shit!" the vague shape yelped, stumbling backward into Allen's bookshelf. Textbooks, freshman required reading, and collections of short stories rained down on its head.

Instead of screaming like a girl, locking himself in the bathroom, and hysterically calling the police like a normal person would do when faced with a horrifying prowler, he reached under his bed and pulled out an aluminum baseball bat.

"I have a weapon," he called, adjusting his grip on the handle and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. Now, most people have a stronger sense of self-preservation than this, but Allen knew that the family in the next apartment had a small daughter named Mei Ling—he didn't want to give this creeper the chance to stumble across the hall and do god knows what to her. His friends called this "having a martyr complex." His Uncle Cross called it "being a complete fucking moron."

"Shit," the vague shape swore again. "Oh, shit. This is not going well. This was not the plan. Shit."

Confused and a bit concerned, Allen reached over and flicked on the bedside lamp.

Blinking in the sudden light was a tall boy with messy red hair held back by a thick green bandana. He had an eyepatch over his right eye and, bizarrely, he was wearing a black, floor-length cape. Noticing Allen's bemused gaze, he held his arms out in a way that was probably supposed to be menacing but came across rather awkward and a bit half-hearted.

"Um," Allen said again.

"Oh wait, hold on," the boy said, digging in his pocket. "I can fix this," he muttered to himself. "This can still work." He pulled out something white and popped it into his mouth.

"What are—" Allen started.

"There, that's better," the boy said, through was sounded like a mouthful of sandwich. Pastrami on sourdough, Allen decided.

And now he was hungry.

"I'm here to schuck yer blood," the tall boy said matter-of-factly.

"Schuck?" Allen repeated, raising an eyebrow.

"You get what I mean," the boy said. The white thing tumbled out of his mouth as he said this, bouncing to the floor.

Fake plastic vampire fangs, Allen realized.

"You're getting saliva on my carpet," he admonished.

The boy scrambled to pick them up and began to shove them back into his mouth.

"Those were on the _floor_," Allen said, wrinkling his nose.

The boy considered this a moment, then stuck them back in his pocket. "I can talk better without them anyway," he said, grinning a surprisingly charming grin.

"Oh, good," Allen deadpanned.

"Um, could you maybe put the bat down now?" the boy pleaded, raising his hands in a placating manner.

Allen, who'd forgotten he was even holding his weapon, readjusted his grip. "Not until you explain why you broke into my room in the middle of the night. I don't really have anything of value, so—"

"What? No!" The boy cut in, waving his hands. "I don't want to rob you. I already told you—I'm here for your blood."

"You were serious about that?" Allen said, bewildered.

"Well, yeah," the boy said, grinning again. He was really rather good-looking, Allen decided. It was too bad he was a terrifying weirdo who broke into people's bedrooms, or he might have been interested. As it was…

"Sooooo," Allen said. "You think you're a vampire or something?"

"Well, I almost am," the boy said, hopping up onto Allen's dresser and kicking his feet. "This is actually the last step. I was supposed to sneak in here and take your blood, then fade away into the shadows of the night."

"How's that working out for you?" Allen said snarkily.

The boy sighed. "Not too well. Apparently, I'm not very good at being stealthy. Who knew?"

"Right. Well, even if you _had_ managed to succeed at the stealth portion of this little exercise, how would you have…collected…my blood?"

He pointed at his mouth. "I was gonna bite your neck. A little cliché, I know, but that's just what we vampires do."

"You were going to bite my neck."

"Yep!"

"With your plastic fangs."

"Uh…"

Allen raised an eyebrow.

The boy hummed, kicking his feet against Allen's sock drawer. Allen frowned at the scuff marks his dirty vans left behind.

"Could you not do that, plea—"

"Well, looks like we'll have to go with Plan B," the boy stated, sliding off of the dresser. He dug in his pocket again, then pulled out a switchblade. He flicked it open and grinned, showing all of his teeth.

"Ah!" Allen yelled, toppling over on the bed. The bat fell out of his hand and rolled under his desk.

"Oh man!" the boy cackled, closing the blade and putting it back in his pocket. "You should have seen your face!" He shook his head, still chuckling. "I was just kidding. Lighten up, willya?"

"You can't break into someone's room, brandish a knife at them, and tell them to calm down. My God, you're horrifying."

"Yet handsome, yeah?"

"Um. No."

The boy grimaced. "That's not very nice, um…" He trailed off invitingly.

"Allen," he responded automatically. Then he slapped his forehead. "I'm an idiot."

"Allen, huh? That's a nice name. Me, I'm Lavi!"

"Lavi."

"Yeah!"

"Is that your vampire name?"

"No," Lavi sighed, putting his hands behind his head and leaning against the wall. "I need to think up something cool. Like Deak! What do you think of that one?"

Allen stared for a moment at Lavi's hopeful face. "Okay, a couple of things. One, why are you asking me, your supposed victim, about your stupid vampire name? Two, Deak is the stupidest name I've ever heard. And three, you're lying to me, because Lavi is not a real name."

"Yes it is!" Lavi insisted.

"No one is named Lavi. No one will ever be named Lavi."

"But! It's Hebrew for 'lion!' Or something…" he trailed off uncertainly.

"Uh huh," Allen said skeptically.

"You sure are mean," Lavi pouted.

"Why are we even having this conversation? Get out of my bedroom."

"But I need to collect your blood! Tyki was very specific about the—"

"Whoa, hold on. There is someone in the world named Tyki?" Allen asked, incredulous.

"Uh huh!" Lavi answered enthusiastically. "He's the leader of our coven!"

"Okay, I've changed my mind. _That_ is the stupidest name I've ever heard. And aren't covens for witches?"

"'Coven' is the collective noun for both vampires _and_ witches," Lavi corrected, sounding very scholarly all of a sudden. "And probably warlocks, too," he added.

"That was a rather well-informed reply," Allen said.

"Thanks!" Lavi said brightly. "I'm a big reader." He smiled that charming smile again.

Allen blushed a bit, then smacked himself on the forehead again. "Idiot," he muttered. "He broke into your house."

"Huh?" Lavi raised an intrigued eyebrow, then shrugged. "Anyway," he said, pulling a large, glittering chalice out of nowhere. "I wasn't kidding about that collecting-your-blood thing. So if you could just fill this up…"

Allen stared at him like he was an idiot—which he obviously was. "Where did you get that? There's no way it fit in your pocket."

"Come on, man! You don't know how badly I need you to do this for me!"

"Why do you even _want_ to be a vampire, anyway?" Allen asked. "And there's no such _thing_ as vampires, so what the hell?"

"Okay, you obviously don't get it," he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Being a vampire is cool. It is the 'in' thing right now," Lavi explained knowledgeably. "And you should know: as an incredibly cool person, I am always on top of the trends."

Allen let his mind wander a bit at his mention of being "on top" of things, then mentally shook himself. Here he was, in the middle of the most ridiculous situation of his _life_ (including the time his Uncle Cross sent him out onto the African savannah with nothing but five feet of rope in order to catch "one of those lions") with a very handsome yet potentially deranged boy in his bedroom, begging for a chalice of his blood. And the only thing he could think about was that the lock of red hair that fell in front of his only visible green eye was really rather adorable.

Oh, good _lord._

"And I know there's no such thing as vampires!" Lavi was saying indignantly. "I mean, duh! But, okay, listen to this. So. There's this guy, he's a senior member of the coven, what they call 'elders.' His name is Arystar Krory the Third."

"Does everyone in your 'coven' have a stupid name?" Allen asked, using air quotes around the word "coven."

"It's not stupid; it's cool and mysterious! And dude, don't use air quotes. You look like a douche."

"What?" Allen began, offended.

"Stop interrupting my story!" Lavi huffed. "Anyway, Krory is a complete nutjob, okay. Thinks he's an actual vampire. Though he _does_ have teeth like you wouldn't believe. Huh…." Lavi trailed off, brow wrinkled pensively.

"Are you going somewhere with this?" Allen said, after nearly a minute of silence.

"Oh, yeah. So when Krory was sent out to complete his final mission, blood collection—much like I'm doing now." Once again, he held out his chalice hopefully. Allen just stared at it. Lavi sighed. "Anyway, he was sent after this chick, Eliade. Totally classy lady and smokin' hot, too. You know what I'm saying?" He wiggled his eyebrows.

Allen gave an unimpressed snort.

"So," Lavi continued. "He goes to her house, right? Sneaks into her bedroom _way_ better than I snuck into yours, and she still wakes up."

"Tough luck," Allen said sarcastically. "Why do I care again?"

"Dude, you are so mean!" Lavi whined.

"You _broke_ into my _house_."

"_Any_way," Lavi sniffed. "Not only did she let him take her blood"—he looked pointedly at Allen, who looked around innocently—"the two of them are totally a thing now!"

"What?" Allen said. "He's dating his victim?" What the hell was wrong with this Eliade person?

"Just goes to show how hot vampires are right now! Even total weirdoes like Krory can get hot dates. Which, by the way…" Lavi moved forward, a lot quicker than Allen had anticipated. He stumbled backward onto the bed and tall boy loomed over him. "After I steal your blood and creep off into the darkness like the creature of the night I hope to become, you wanna go get coffee with me or something?"

"What." Allen said. It was barely even a question.

"You're pretty cute," Lavi said, grinning for what Allen felt was probably the 87th time that night.

"You _broke_ into my _house_," Allen said.

"You keep saying that. But dude, this is an apartment," Lavi said, as though Allen were a confused child. "By the way, where are your parents? I thought they'd come running by now, especially when I broke your window and tripped into your bookshelf."

"I live with my uncle. He's either passed out drunk or lying in his bed hoping I'm being murdered."

"Harsh!" Lavi said, flopping down next to Allen on the bed.

He stood up hastily. "Get off of my bed!"

"Is that what you really want?" The redhead asked huskily, attempting to wink.

"Yes," Allen said bluntly. "Now leave before I call the cops. Why _haven't _I called the cops?" He muttered, mostly to himself.

"Because you're subconsciously attracted to me," Lavi offered. "Any you really don't want me to leave. Also, you want to give me your blood." He held out the chalice again.

"Get that out of my face," Allen snapped. Lavi pulled it back into the folds of his cloak, pouting. "What are you going to do with that, anyway? Don't tell me you're going to drink it."

"Eww, no!" Lavi said, offended. "I don't think I'm actually a vampire. I'm not crazy." Allen grinned, about to say something, but Lavi held up a hand. "Not a word out of you now."

Allen huffed. "Then what the hell do you do with it?"

"There's this elaborate ceremony I have to go through. At least, I think there is. It seemed boring, so I never went to anyone else's induction." He shrugged. "That Tyki is pretty messed up, though. Maybe he _will_ make me drink it!" He looked up at Allen, appalled. "I don't want to actually drink blood!" He grabbed Allen's pillow and buried his face in it.

"Hey! Quit putting your germs all over my pillow, creepy!"

"I'm not creepy; I'm interesting!" came the muffled reply.

And Allen had to admit he was right. Lavi was odd, and Allen couldn't figure out what motivated him to do the things he did (like breaking into his bedroom in the middle of the night or attempting to join a vampire coven) but he was intrigued nonetheless. Damn.

Damn damn damn.

"I've decided I don't want to be a vampire anymore," Lavi said, lifting the pillow off of his face. "That whole 'join my creepy neighbor's coven' thing was, in retrospect, a poor choice."

"Good for you," Allen said sincerely. "I'm proud."

"Thanks!" Lavi said, springing up off of his bed and throwing an arm around his shoulders. "So. Go out with me?" And he smiled the loveliest, most gorgeous smile Allen had ever seen.

"I'll think about it," Allen grumped, looking down to hide his blush. "Just. Get out. Please."

"I'll take that as a yes!" Lavi crowed, pumping his fist. He dropped a kiss onto the top of Allen's head, making him sputter in indignation, then bounded toward the window. "I'll pick you up tomorrow, okay? Around 6:30. I already know where you live, so that won't be a problem!"

"Once again," Allen said. "You are creepy. So. Creepy."

"You're curious about me. Just admit it," he chided, sticking his leg through the pane-less window.

"Curious about why you're such a psycho, maybe. And just use the damn stairs!"

"Oh, right." He trotted over and opened Allen's bedroom door, then turned back to face him. "You know how I said that the whole vampire thing was a poor choice? I'm still glad I did it." He smiled warmly, blew Allen a kiss, and vanished into the hallway.

And as Allen sank back down onto his bed, he thought that it could have been a very cute—albeit still incredibly bizarre—moment, if it hadn't been for what happened next.

"Who the hell're you?" a deep, obviously intoxicated voice slurred from the living room.

"Uh," Lavi's voice sounded, and Allen began repeatedly banging his head against the wall. "I'm a vampire? Yeah. And! I can totally hypnotize you with my vampire eyes. Well, eye. So, you _never saw me_!" Lavi said, in a warbly, mystical voice. This was followed by the sound of running footsteps and the slamming of the front door.

"Brat!" Cross bellowed.

Allen sighed. "Damn."


End file.
